Rejuvenation of a friendship

I wrote two short blogs humoring you and many of you leaped out of the water to take the bait. I have decided to write till I start getting hate mails.

On a recent business visit to Columbus, Ohio I decided to swing by and see my good friend Mithu, from my Loyola college days, and his lovely wife Jharna. Truth be told, I was in Ohio to see Mithus and decided to swing by and have a business meeting. That is just between us girls, no need to pick up the phone and call my boss.

 Mid western states are known for tornadoes and this happens to be the peak season and understandably I was quite nervous driving to Mithu’s place. If you are unfamiliar with tornadoes, here is a quick primer: When the warm moist air from the southern oceans and the cold dry air from the northern mountains migrate towards each other and happen to meet a meandering jet stream on the way they all become a toxic cocktail and all hell breaks loose. The tornado comes down in a hurry and grabs everything in its way and toss them several hundred yards up in the air before bringing them back to the terra firma, never gently though. It is quite possible the view of the downtown was great from up above but none survived to give us the juicy details. Not surprisingly, mid westerners celebrate non tornado days by holding signs on the road that says ‘no tornado today, stop for hugs and kisses’. Though I was relieved to see the signs I decided to keep driving because those holding the signs were men with beer bottles permanently stuck in their mouths and women whose size makes you think you are suffering from a temporary double vision.  

USA and Bangladesh are the only two countries in the world where tornadoes are common. Also, these are the only two countries that have not gone metric yet! Is there a connection? Memo to myself: Start the rumor first thing tomorrow, blame the republicans if possible.

I reached my friend’s house by sevenish in the evening. I was going to see him after 40 years and I quite did not know what to say first. He was on the drive way to greet me and we shook hands and hugged and we effortlessly bridged that 40 year gap by declaring that we both had not changed one bit and looked the same (hey, what are friends for?).  It is like yesterday, I was coming out of the viva voce exam looking totally constipated, when my friend walked up to me, put his arm around my shoulder and said the magical words: “ well, we all failed”.

We started talking and he was regaling me with stories of his ‘damn-the-expense’ vacation trips, how the work took him all over the world, his only daughter’s marriage celebration, what he does for a living (this one went a mile over my head because he is a scholar and has authored many technical papers that no sane person can read and say with a straight face that he or she understands ), how he is passionate about do-it yourself projects at home and his second love that is cooking. He went to the extent of putting scaffoldings around his house to paint his outside walls. I am not planning on introducing this man to my family and neither should you. Any tincture of hope you may be nursing that your family looks up to you as the go to man will be imperiled if you bring him and his reputation in to your fold. I belong to the class of gents who bridle at suggestions that wall papering and painting are the bailiwick of men and being a good handy man is the best way to leave your foot print in the sands of time and a legacy that your family will be proud of. That is pure BS. The older I get, the more I look up to my dear cousin Bala.

After a few drinks, we sat down for a sumptuous dinner. Though I pride myself as a health conscious person, my knees become jelly-like when I see good food on the table. When you see you a good variety of high calorie food on the dinner table in your honor, the situation clearly calls for several double takes but as a person committed to economy of action, I took only a couple of DT and proceeded to attack the food. It is amazing how two more drinks after the dinner makes you forget that you are stuffed!

Mithu and Jharna looked lovely together like champagne and bubbles. It was really good seeing my best friend after a lapse of four decades. We want good friends in our corner in our lives, and if that means a few brushes with the tornadoes, so be it. 

They got me over a barrel

I seek your indulgence one more time and allow me to share my latest predicament with you all. My daughter is in the process of buying a condo in downtown Seattle, and I am playing the role of the negotiator- in-chief. This job was not assigned to me, I usurped it.  I am no shrinking violet when it comes to taking on tough assignments but my family has a different take on this. My chin is barely above the rising waters of everyday demands of my job but I am always itching for anything that is not run-of- the-mill stuff.  As a matter of fact, the meal ticket to my personal happiness is dealing with the unknown, as I find the process of due diligence very therapeutic.

It really boggles my mind why a simple home buying process is so complicated. The process starts with the lender ‘qualifying’ you for the loan and it is quite hilarious. The recent housing market scandal has made things worse. They want your entire history.  Names of friends who have ditched you, number of times you were caught with your pants down, why you are such a bad tipper...all questions are fair game. They ask questions in the name of collecting data till the blood drains from your face and you go chalk white. When they ask for my golf handicap, I tell them enough is enough. Well, I am exaggerating a bit but I hope you get the drift.

Sellers throw a curve ball once in a while by offering to lower their sale price if we will also look in to a time share offered by their parent company. This is the moment you should all dread in your life and hold on to a person of large girth nearby, to stay calm. This may lead to other complications in life if the person you are holding on to belongs to the other gender. If you make the mistake of looking the seller in the eye at this precise moment, trust me, your jig will be up. Rule # 1, avoid eye contact totally. Rule # 2, look distracted or distressed or preferably both and be unintelligible. You will be a natural in following these rules if you are a male.

People who sell time shares make Nazi interrogators look like your favorite uncles. They humiliate you so badly even your wife is having second thoughts about the decision she made several years ago.  They give you no latitude whatsoever in your decision making. My pet theory is that these guys live on a psychoactive mushroom diet. That is what keeps them going . If you can fake a massive heart attack, it will be a good time to show that hidden histrionic talent in you and get carted off to the nearest hospital where with some good luck you may get taken care of by a pretty nurse wanting to elope with you. But I am digressing.

 Sellers look professorial one moment bamboozling you with all the technical jargon and then effortlessly morph in to a butcher when it is time to butcher you.  They somehow know that we are all genetically coded to cave in at the wrong moment.

 I am staring at a mountain of documents that needs my review.  The prospect of my actually going thru the whole thing looks pretty thin as time goes by. The second glass of Merlot I am on is egging me on to seek a horizontal position on the deck chair and ponder the vagaries of life. I do not know what tomorrow is going to bring but certainly not more determination on my part to wade through all the documents. May be, I will sign on the dotted lines.   

A funny thing happened today..

I got a call from my wife’s clinic yesterday saying they spotted two snakes in front of her clinic and wanted to know if I could drive down to the clinic immediately. It was not clear to me as to what I could do anything different other than starring at the snakes and panicking, which was what the ladies were doing anyway. I decided to go as I always do when confronted with invites that offered no way out. The ladies informed me the snakes were 6 ft long and quite aggressive in nature, just to stress the enormity of the situation.

I got in to my protective gear (full length jeans trousers and ankle high boots) just in case the reptiles decided to engage me in a friendly bout. Once I reached the site, I noticed the snakes had slithered away to a far off place but to my disappointment (and relief) found the snakes were only 3 feet long. They were decidedly not aggressive!  I guess when panic hits, people lose the concept of dimensions.

A gent passing by stopped and offered expert opinion that the snakes were gophers and harmless.  Such details about snakes are opaque to me in general. Apparently, their single mission in life is to choke the rats to death and devour them. More power to them if that is their only objective.

The reptiles were enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and perhaps felt comfortable being close to a doctor's office just in case they felt unwell. Happily, all ended well with the reptilian friends deciding to move in the direction of their supper.

I am working in my yard today and every time something moves behind me, I jump. Life changes in inexplicable ways. Go figure.

Just an update in my otherwise unremarkable existence.